today in the subway i saw a little brother with an enormous backpack being led by an enormous older brother. the older brother was carrying the little brother's italian ice somewhat precariously in his other hand, and i started paying closer attention when the water ice dropped and the older brother stooped to clean up the mess / kick at it apologetically; the little brother began walking impossibly fast, and at first i thought he was reacting really well to his ice getting spilled on the subway floor.

but occasionally he would turn around, glance at the older brother, and speed up his pace. he sped-walked to his small round mother and began to frantically point at his enormous brother, his voice kind of reaching a desperate anxiety that he had done well to disguise after the initial ice-drop.

the little mother was hanging with some friends and in any case, was obviously unimpressed with little brother's whines and the defensive pleas of older brother.

it made me wonder how often we approach impervious third parties to deliver punishment or at least rulings when in fact greater clarity would involve looking said culprit in the face and getting so real - "you were careless. im sad"

but also i mean, what a bummer about your water-ice kiddo

sunday, lucky

here are some things that happened on sunday:

saw magical women
saw magical wallaces
ate really good peaches
got pulled over by the police
chewed a "double bubble"
did not get arrested by the police
neither did amanda
found 20 dollars
split it with a 17 year old
found mr wilson
ate more double bubble
danced with my baby
on top of a roof
forgot that berger cookies were in the freezer, but then remembered

pickpocket DC

sunday night i had the opportunity to join a cluster fuck in DC - a mob of people insistent on leaving H and 4th via the Chinatown bus, which they had bought tickets for, only New Century is run by a throng of clowns in designer jeans, and attempts to get on the bus were by and large fruitless.

at some point within the cluster i got repeatedly jostled by a mysteriously dopey man, who in hindsight was point man 1, pushing me into man 2 - an old grizzly bear in track pants and an "I heart DC" t-shirt. man 2 or "thief" was in a bad spot - hungry or super drugged i know not which, sometimes these conditions look really similar. anyway something felt wrong and i kind of turned around and saw this dude with his hand rummaging through my bag. we both kind of froze and i gave him my best animal-inspired "what the fuck" face and then pivoted around to grip both bags and grab my phone. man 2 scampered away, probably nervous that i was going to call the police, except that i know better to call the DC police because last time i did that they asked me for my social security number, and when i wouldn't give it to them things got awkward and then they hung up.

its a doggy heat, doggy beat tustle of a fucking world out there, i cannot hate on a man for spotting an opportunity to grab some shit. little did he know that inside of my wallet was 80 cents and a member card to the Y. in any case i wish him well. also im thankful to still have my wallet.

you ate the summer cannibals

eateateat

about job searching in summer of 2010

"I wanted to let you know that we have filled the position with someone whose experience and education more closely match our requirements for the position."

2 years ago, drunk

onetime cereal came to new york a lot, and it was super fun. i do not regret that she is no longer with a new york boyfriend, i simply miss her presence in this fair city. also when jessie was around things got to no limits party-time and this picture is from one of those nights. this is after tequila and sangria and a j and a jessie. this picture also reminds me of a magical fact from this evening, and that is that in the middle of our celebratory splendor, after having hazily wandered into a random corner of the LES, i got a call from andrew who was inexplicably also in LES. and from what i recall i was like, im super drunk, im in a bar, there were bushes out front, there are lights in the bar, find me. and then my phone died or his phone died, it was all very confusing.

amanda was sleeping at the table.

but then like 20 minutes later andrew walks in, and i always forget to ask but seriously i have no idea how that wizard found us. magicman.

little boobs

it's summer duh even though its not whatever the fuck june 21? first official? i care not - it's sweaty ball season and you can wear sandals and dresses so it's summer. i got burned eating breakfast on my roof so it's summer.

usually summertime marks the beginning of no drawers lyfe - i freeball, you know this. but lately there's been something new in my underwear routine that i wanted to talk about live on the internet. and that is no bra, or rather, abbreviated versions of the bra. listen, i have the littlest boobs that ever were. they are often rivaled by fifth graders, not that i am looking but just i mean, it's hearsay. when i was younger this was a source of severe booby consternation, and i hated my body and i wished my hair was blue and my name was tammy. but i grew out of wanting to be named "tammy" and i have grown out of wanting bigger boobs, which is why i stick to a new regime - no bra or sports bra.

the easy life.

and i have to be honest about something. i fucking love the way my little tiniest boobs ever look with minimal bra interference - i think they are special this way. i feel lustier this way, and summertime is all for lust and sun and iced tea and biting your boyfriend on the beard. or whatever you want to do, it's your summer.

2.5 years ago cannibal

i will not mince words - the job search is fucking rough. please see below for an example of an entry level position in DC:

Salary will be commensurate with the amount of an applicant's relevant experience. For example, an individual with five years of relevant experience, including a 2-year master’s program in a relevant topic, would earn $30,000 to $35,000

for starters motherfuckers, folks with 5+ years of experience plus their masters in a relevant topic most likely have accrued more than $35,000 dollars worth of debt, and need a lil more than 35 large to cover rent, food, transportation, and student loans. not to mention that for entry level, you in theory need to have 5 years of experience plus relevant master's. not to mention, i don't even want this job. sike i do sort of but really honestly i just want to operate a food service truck.

i mean you no disrespect, but eat shit

history of subway maps

new ones on the way!



definitely the 70's were the most aesthetically pleasing

carrots

carrots are magical oblong gifts from heaven. just had the opportunity to place them in pasta curry! i'd love to.

deep in the creep

can we try hugging without shirts for a second?

"it's almost like we saw each other swimming in the pool and hadn't seen each other for awhile. these could be swimsuits."

humpday: a meditation on anxiety and friendship. so genuinely anxious and good.

small girl seeking sloppy dog

must love everything

bbs

every time i see the "babies" trailer, i get a little more pregnant

dear curry ann

yeah, young harrison ford, i get it

a movie review

recently in maryland i saw 2 films: the girl with the dragon tattoo and it's complicated. it's weird to see them back to back because both of these films are revenge fantasies - but one is swedish with a lot of chain smoking and one is californian bourgeois-cafeteria, and in place of cigarettes there are chocolate croissants. dragon tattoo had a lot of rape, like multiple rape(s), nazi rapes, mouth rape, etc. it made me come to terms with the fact that i can't hang with suspense in movies for too long because it will inevitably lead to peed pants. no joke suspense is really hard. also more than 1 rape per movie is too much ok? im sensitive.

it's complicated was a revenge fantasy by a middle-aged woman, i mean the backbone of the story is how it's hard to be a middle aged woman because you are always so lonely. fuck. but then her ex-husband and children gather around her and just need her and her food.


it's weird to be in a place where i am getting stoked to pro-create and start my own little american family, but culture keeps trying to do me like all this will lead to is, at best, this meryl streep movie where my kids expect credit cards and shit, and that being in your 40's is starkly solo. do you guys feel me? what could be the secret then? is it rooftops and dogs and sunshine? because so far in life those things seem unbearably good.

pineapple quesadillas

i just made these and accidentally it was the best.

in a blender: pineapple, onions, orange and yellow peppers. blend that.

add it to the inside of a quesadilla. put hot black beans and onions and garlic in that. enjoy! top with hot sauce or plain yogurt or whatever it is that lights you up!!*


*i am currently lit up but in the bad way. my mom just told me to get health insurance esp. for "the baby" for in case i get pregnant. do you ever get told things by your parents that you feel like they are willing you to do? to ask it another way, is my mom trying to get me impregnated? the baby quilts indicate that this might be a possibility.

hey taxes, what are you?

the world of people and things

come with the dust and are gone with the wind





are there states of being that bob dylan did not put into song?

smell quest

once jon moses told me about a smell quest he was taking.
there was a homeless man that lived in his library and every time he was roused and moved freely, the smell quest would begin.

a smell quest is when you smell something that is new or interesting, but i want to make the point that the quest is not necessarily a terrible smell, and i think we all know the difference. a terrible smell is when you come back from vacation and there are maggots (growing? do they grow? where do they come from?) living in your kitchen trash can. a terrible smell is when once i left a croc pot of stew in the refrigerator and then went to africa and then left the croc pot still and eventually meghan moved the croc pot to the back porch and then i had to before moving out of the house throw away the pot with the stew that was no longer stew but a rabid snutty-toothed walrus anus, in bowl format.

those are terrible smells. i think that bodies are capable of producing bad smells and even really bad smells, but they are also capable of producing just fairly interesting smells that are not technically "good" like how bunnies are good but not terrible, because when you arrive upon the quest there is intrigue, not gagging, and the mark of a truly terrible smell is when your gag reflex kicks in, am i right. also, please know that i am not in the medical profession and surely if i was i would know about terrible body smells.

ok so, all this is a preface to the fact that lately i have been on a number of smell quests and i don't know what is going on. this morning i woke up and kept smelling skunk. like i thought there was one outside of my window because it was so strong and crazy. and then throughout the day i kept smelling tumultuous fart. like raw eggs on toast. what is going on?

does the age old policy, the one who smelt it dealt it apply? because if these smells are me, i am entirely out of the loop with my body. if these smells are not me, then seriously, what on earth? how can i be on a smell quest if i do not know who is directing the journey?

what have you been doing?

um, just touring the south


there are a lot of great things afloat, but what i really want everyone to think on as a community is this, what if cupcake trafficjam was not merely a blog with occasional pictures of dogs and vaginas, but a way of life, a living, breathing CUPCAKETRUCK?!?



upon google image searching "cupcake truck" i see that this is already an international phenomenon, but no other cupcake truck seems as visibly committed to psychedelic chocolate, which upon further reflection is probably the name of my new business byeeeeeeee

mommies

NPR reports that Maternal deaths, or deaths related to complications from childbirth, have declined globally. Inevitably part of this decline can be linked to actual instances of childbirth declining globally. The data places Italy at number 1 for least deaths per 100,000 live births; next comes Sweden, Luxembourg, Australia, Austria, Ireland, Israel, Malta, Canada, and Spain. Which is to say, if you are from the US, maybe visit one of the top ten when it comes time to get that baby out, as our country ranks number 40, behind Lithuania, for 39 deaths per 100,000 live births.

new york today

lately there's been a lot of down time in the suburbs which is always kind of the best but also really confusing to travel back and forth. at some point it feels like, if i am spending chunks of time in maryland, then why not just live in maryland? but then i come back to the city and have a day like yesterday, where i can use my feet to walk anywhere i want to eat any delicious thing imaginable like coffee and an empanada for 2.50 and talk about movie scripts and get late night tacos where the downstairs is an elitist club where legitimately modely scandinavians are pouring in and out but im stuffing taco in my face and then dancing and then in the subway people are talking to rats and break-dancing and the subway works past midnight and spring is coming so there are 1,000 babies on scooters in the sunshine. which is all to say, im really in fucking love with you right now, new york. thanks for being such a babe

sometimes i go through weeks where i can't bring myself to eat hardly anything but then ill have make-up weeks where there is endless food tom-foolery. today there was food near or in my mouth all day long: garlic beans and eggs with onions and hash browns and tomato with some salt and a slice of cheese and yogurt with brownie bits in it. april fool's i can't stop eating!!?!

sometimes it seems like people in my neighborhood are having really gratifying sex but i am concerned that it might not be that but actually an endangered cat

time for taxes

hey ma


alright

guys

its march 25. what has even happened to the days? i don't even know. what is everyone up to?
here are some things that have been happening. 1) im wearing a sweatshirt 2) but its almost spring! 3) im going back to silver spring 4) but only for a little while this time, then im coming back to be someone's assistant/slave! 5) which is great news! 6) i know, i know im 26 now but 7) what even is a career? look at these hungry turtles!

datenite

i obviously have not yet seen "date night" but can already tell that this is an important relic we can leave future generations. more so than health care, more so than personal legacies, i am proud that my grandchildren might one day be able to zootn'reboot date night starring steve carell and tina fey on their mini-trons. also hot tub time machine.

But if you cultivate a healthy poverty and simplicity, so that finding a penny will literally make your day, then, since the world is in fact planted in pennies, you have with your poverty bought a lifetime of days.

-Annie Dillard

if she was only ordinary ...

school's


out

ahhh i have to surrender my computer!

here is a melody of everything i meant to put here before but now i can't because i don't have a computer anymore. please enjoy responsibly. american dreams all around. if you want to sell your crusty laptop, please let me know. if you want to sell it for bananas, please definitely let me know

im not sure

but i think i just read that unemployment covers 1/26 of your salary? this means that while unemployed i will make 12 dollars.

best GIF ever

i've never been able to properly explain myself in this climate.



ignore this terrible drug.

found: miss new booty

this is super pretty, but it's wrong in like 100 ways. or rather, instructions for food consumption cannot really be summed up in a triangle. i watched a ton of planet earth last night, including the last disc, "future" which was super chaotic and but chock full of really interesting brains. my biggest take-away was that, as resources become increasingly scarce, food intake will move from westernized, personal choice to basic availability - but what will be available in the future has a lot to do with personal choices right now.

i never thought about it like this before but its almost like you need to make a list of the top 5 things that are important to you - is it whales? seriously, is it? because krill are disappearing. i mean, there are a lot of different paths to take here and there really isn't a super clear route. that's why you will need to make a list. if you are able to distill things that are most important to you, then there can be food choices. oh yeah and protein or whatever but supposedly a lot of people get more protein than they even realize like from beans.

this example list if from 'FOUND' i really like the earnestness with which this person addresses their wine intake:

los abrazos rotos

march

i'd love to

found: jonah lehrer's blog

Bergson defined comedy as what happens when the mechanical is foisted upon the living, when man is momentarily machine-like