update, alpha

this morning i dropped my vitamin B and when i just peed it was the color of a venetian sunburst. MAGIC!

"Down these mean streets a man must go who is not himself mean."

-Raymond Chandler

buzzbee

"Honeybees really are nature’s little treasures"

<3, the nytimes

PS: Linnaeus says you can make a clock - out of flowers! "He suggested planting daisies along with St. John’s Wort, marigolds, water-lilies and other species in a circle. The rhythmic opening and closing of the plants would be the effective hands of this clock."

Flower clock? BONUS

fish

is the answer

breakroom, 1 pm

slovakian financier with mysterious male perfume and golden chains remarks in answer to my bosses infatuation with brazilian girls,


"they're like all women.... NASTY"


and then he is gone.

don't forget

mia = baller

dear the yankees

you guy are douche bags. F your legend seats and your billion dollar stadium. F D-Jet and his 22 million dollar shit-smirk

here's a question, recessed america, who fronts the bill for athlete's exorbitant salaries? in 2008, tiger woods, america's top grossing athlete, earned close to the GDP of the Marshall Islands. really?

don't listen to this angry little girl about it, take sports illustrated:

"In a less public way, other athletes from the nation's three biggest and most profitable leagues—the NBA, NFL and Major League Baseball—are suffering from a financial pandemic. Although salaries have risen steadily during the last three decades, reports from a host of sources (athletes, players' associations, agents and financial advisers) indicate that:

• By the time they have been retired for two years, 78% of former NFL players have gone bankrupt or are under financial stress because of joblessness or divorce.

• Within five years of retirement, an estimated 60% of former NBA players are broke. "

what? what would scrooge mcduck say?

eek

A 2007 survey found that more than three-quarters of doctors accept free drug samples and free food, more than a third get financial help for medical refresher courses and more than a quarter get paid for giving marketing lectures and enrolling patients in clinical trials

delish

japanese juice boxes!

some news

hobbits are real

"India" is derived from the word "Hindu"

Vertical gardens - so amazing, watch out buildings we will moss you

This Jarvis animation is pretty sick, music by Manitoba with Koushik - if you don't have time just fastforward to where he is in night.



Also, do I like DO MAKE SAY THINK ?

Also, should we move to Oregon?

summer, the series

on saturday night i was leaving my apartment and i heard thunder and got nervous but then it turned out that it was just huge beautiful sprouting fireworks going off over the east river in celebration, i can only presume, of summertime.

on the walk to michael's i had time to observe some special things that appear with the seasonal tide, things that you forget about in the winter when you are just fighting to keep your neck warm.

1) hot wind

in the winter wind blows down city blocks so ferocious - icy, i completely forgot this phenomenon. hot wind is like getting licked by the devil. it's like if you had an ice cream cone but the ice cream was made out of carpet.


2) calgon body sprays

do you remember these - all rainbow colored and available at CVS for like 4 dollars? they smell like tangerine and straight alcohol, it hurts your nose just to think about them. i used to buy these in middle school when i was trying to fresh to impress, and it makes me giggle and cough a little to walk by gaggles of shorties luring gentleman callers with fruit-basket aromas. it's amazing to witness the biological implications of warmer weather; it's like everyone is walking around with massive, glittery springtime boners.


3) mischief

youth and ridiculous stupidity walk hand in fist, and though i increasingly feel closer to a mysterious adult, tax laden world, i know i haven't completely crossed over because i LOVE MISCHIEF. so does the summer. 10 pm on a saturday night, a swarm of skating 13 year olds calling one another "stoooop-id" dare one of their friends to sit in the swanky lobby of an overpriced condominium. the night guard is busy fixing a broken sign. while their daring friend sits on a leather sofa and nonchalantly takes sips of his sprite, the boys are gleeful, fearful, jostling... they inspect me as i walk by them to see if i am going to chastise them, and i have to walk faster so they don't see me cracking up and mentally high fiving them.


more to come from sunshine city <3<3

swine flu survival kit

hand soap - wash thoroughly!

vegetables from the farmer's market - these seem safe

crossbow and arrow to shoot mutant swine togglers in the aorta


vitamin c to boost immunity

cancel national hotdog day

what

is the deal with swine flu?

do you guys know

how good this milk is?

my cousin

uses "gak" as an expression of anxious preponderance. she is beautiful.

news

i just discovered an electric hole punch in our office!

i fucking love the industrial revolution.



an electric hole punch is the best because you no longer have to exert any arm pressure to punch through cumbersome papers- you simply press a button and holes get PUNCHED. also it makes a tremendously satisfying noise like when you use an electric can opener, and i kept expecting little kittens to come ask for food.



here are some things that i am going to electrically punch now that i have unlimited access to office machinery:

every document that is on my desk

dante loutoo's mane

paper snowflakes

bitches tryna front

JELLO!

my fingers next time i want the day off

PALOOOO!

One of the world's youngest and smallest nations, the Republic of Palau. I did not know she even existed. What a terrific world. Also, you can email their president!

Office of the President

Tel: (680) 767-2403 /2828 /2532/ 8732

Fax:(680) 767-2424 /1662

email: rop.president@palaunet.com

where does courage come from?

Ask Sojourner and Maira Kalman's aunt

baddad

How can you tell when food has for real gone bad? my mom always threw things super-quickly, but i find it a terrible shame to waste food. here's a for instance:

looks at these grapes! earlier someone in my office commented that they look like they are almost wine. wine?! where?


these pretty much taste fine, but are browny. also, i'm going to keep eating them, but i just want someone to stand next to me all the time and tell me when food has gone too bad, is that too much to ask? here's another example: cheese!

Cheese is itself mold, and yogurt is kind of weird too ... so, what, when mold grows on mold its bad? I don't know! I wish you would tell me!

In the meantime, I seems perfectly acceptable to continue diversifying my immune system with things that are different colors then how nature made them.

you guys

should we be buying houses?

smitten kitten

forge coco. for little women. i can't hardly wait

someone

caught me snoozing unawares in my pjs.

free food, a miniseries

so i just went to shake shack in madison square park and they had an extra hot dog and so they gave it to me. and i was like, oh no not on earth day hot dogs are the worst, but then i was like, thanks earth for this hot dog! and then we skipped back to work together.

but next i came back to my desk and there was this piece of chocolate cake on the desk, just staring at me all brown and frosted. now i haven't a clue as to where this cake originated, but i sure as hell am eating it, stat. i might as well put it out there, i am TERRIBLY susceptible to poisoning.



so i know that there is freeganism in which vegans break their vegan oaths to jesus when someone gives them something free, but i want to propose something new, and that is "freegusting".

Freegusting - noun, adjective, adverb. north american. Freegusting - when you receive an inordinate amount of free food that if you had individually purchased and eaten might be considered disgusting, but when given to you for free to ingest, you just have to celebrate life for ruling even if you are disgusting. Freegusting.

flint forest

this is totally intriguing - turning neighborhoods into forestry
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/22/business/22flint.html?hp

annie, what about these?

here are some other things that you can do to save the earth after you're done not washing yourself (did you know that as recently as the 1930's people washed their hair like once every 3 weeks? Want to know why they stopped? Shampoo marketing campaigns!) :


-refuse napkins: just use your sleeve!

-use your diva cup as a juice cup when it is not inside of you

-make your boyfriend make your lunch. that's what the hippies did i think. sike that's just what harrison ford does at the end of working girl and it's nice.



- 1 potted plant per 100 square feet of your home or office can effectively remove toxins like formaldehyde from the air. try english ivy, spider plants, lilies, or bamboo like a little panda.



- stop buying antibacterial soap. antibacterial soap is really bad for our oceans and it is contributing to the SUPERBUG seriously read this : http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/14/health/14well.html?_r=1&scp=9&sq=superbug&st=cse anyway soap is soap it's cleaning you i promise, antibacterial is just something that johnson's and johnson's does to freak out suburban moms

- wear a lot of tie dye and burn your bra

- if you take birth control pills, make sure that you are also receiving some sort of vitamin B supplement. birth control strips your body of certain elements, and this is one of them. this doesn't really help the earth per say, but it helps grow populations of healthy people that can take care of the earth

- sometimes when you are eating a seeded fruit or vegetable, plant the seeds when you are done. growing your own food is fun and the environment loves it when you have fun

- if you really love the earth, you should look at it when there is no gravity like this insane man did. this is insane.

did ao scott invent blogging?

does this dude just think about things that are sweet and then talk about them for the times?
is this just an overpaid blogger with legal access to film clips? gimmie that.

my boss

just told me that our awesome developer was also cute, and that it is good to have cute energy surrounding projects because it helps the projects. i miss women bosses.

this is

what parenting is all about

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=1220590

italy etc

my grandma says it like this: itLEE

also here is her recipe for chocolate pie:


HELEN'S CHOCOLATE PIE

take a chocolate crumb crust

scoop slightly softened triple chocolate brownie ice cream into the pie crust. smooth it down with the back of the scooper.

spread slices of cut strawberries on top of the ice cream

spread whipped cream on top of the strawberry layer

make another layer of strawberries on top of the whipped cream

freeze for awhile, then slice and serve it to you favorite bridge partners!



yum. ice cream pie. let's do it

on family 2

sometimes i love my family so so much, and it's like, what are we, kissing black-tailed prairie dogs?

the beast pagent

jon moses and his upcoming feature film - whaaat. watch the trailer, donate money, and please be wary of the man in the machine. i dare you not to eat your own face over the soundtrack. double dare.

space kisses

romance is something terribly difficult to put one's finger upon. you cannot eat romance. it is not available in a size 8. there is no wait list to get into romance. fortunately for us space explorers, there are infinite examples of romance in this universe. and here is one of them, courtesy of RADIOLAB

This interview is with Ann Druyan, Carl Sagan's wife. Said Carl of his marriage: "In the vastness of space and the immensity of time, it is still my joy to share a planet and an epoch with Annie."

Holy. Moly.

on family 1

sometimes i get SO ANGRY with my family.
but then i remember, we could just be fennec foxes.

firsts

want to see my first time snowboarding? don't worry, it's on youtube

russian dogs

wild beasts on the move
these dogs are ugs but i want to nosey the ones in the article

fryday

last night i somehow wrapped the blankets in knots around my body and michael had to untangle me and this morning i got stuck in the subway doors and i ran out of underwear so i'm wearing his boxers but -

i'm pretty sure we still go out


in other news, april is POETRY MONTH so if you want to receive a poem a day you should sign up here

and if you want to see a lincoln diarist from 144 years ago, you should look here

and if you want the pancake recipe that we have been using of late, look no further


this is a still from Shirley Clarke's The Cool World. Obviously she was cool as fuck and there's a festival of her work going on in the second half of April at Anthology Film Archives. Get that.


that's all i got, you've got it all. goodbye, it's friday!

YOGURT! a plan-

i am dedicating my weekend to playing catch in the park, catching sunshine on my roof, and MAKING YOGURT!

yogurt is super healthy and really good for your bones and teeth and vagina. it's also easy to make - i found this recipe online and even though she says to use an official yogurt maker, you can also thwart additional consumption and make it in a crock pot, a thermos, or in the SUN.

i'm going to work on my recipe so that when it gets really hot i can FREEZE IT AND RUN A FROZEN YOGURT STORE OUT OF MY FREEZER

you can go

fuck yourself in the back

what was that? oh, my head just exploded.
listen
http://www.myspace.com/oizo3000


MAKING LAMBS ANGER (ok quality) from oizo mr on Vimeo.

naked

dear jennifer aniston,

i have seen you naked. a lot. i don't watch you on tv or in the movies, but by simply existing in america in the 2000's and walking on the street, i have seen your asshole. many props for being hot, and for not losing your shit when your old husband became a creepy baby collector, but, let's talk it out. are you a nudist now? should you join one of those colonies in your rv? also, should you just cut to the chase and do legitimate pornography, or what? or- are these pictures art? like when i was in middle school and my mom wanted me to pose naked with her for "art pictures" but i had issues about the line between art and being photographed naked by some dude and so she did it herself? i am confused. in the meantime, i will continue to think that you are a babe, but be generally perplexed by how often i see your fucking ass, which is generally more than i see my own ass.

ps john mayer aint shit, i heard katt williams is single you should give that the old naked try

what is the internet, coffee?

coffee is what the internet is

"Suppose that the eyes were an animal - sight would have been its soul"
-Aristotle Animal

facts

there are 40,000 muscles in an elephant's trunk

there are 40 million reasons why this should be your next pet:



Kingsford Goes to the Beach - video powered by Metacafe

my aim is true

1.
just eating a pile of taco with chillies at uncle moe's and this song came on the stereo. i put down my fork to groove so hard and, looking around, realized that most of the lunch crowd had done the same. harmonizing through their roasted tomato sauce, precious.

somebody better put out the big light:



2.
also - do you love watching fiona apple lose her shit? this is an activity i hold on par with flipping over a perfectly browned pancake or using the shower squeegee at Grandmas. SO SATISFYING. this song is tight but to get to the action go straight to 5:00 and then stick with it - it seems as though she descends from the third tier of hell back into ...VH1 classics

you don't get well no more:



3.
finally, this man is tight. listen to "lay and love" and then take a nap on your boyfriend's neck. you make sunshine and glory too.

did anyone see this?

rachel getting married??

i know that anne hathaway is sort of snotty pants i mean i don't know her personally, and i hear she likes gays, bonus ... but so, you should probably see this movie. it's not just schlocky wedding fare and it truly afforded me an emotional release i have not felt since, aka weeping on amanda's shoulder on the upper west side. WARNING you probably shouldn't see this if you hate life, or if you DON'T want to marry me immediately following the credits, bye!

So this weekend I hopped aboard this Waffle Truck in Brooklyn and secured a new weekend job. A long-awaited toe hold in the waffle industry.... Next time you are in Brooklyn / on 7th ave you should probably stop by the stand. It's hard explaining to my family that I hate my job in a cubicle and am trying to look for options, like waffles, but I think that what makes explanation even more difficult is that I have nothing articulated for myself.

Except.
I like waffles. I like interacting with a lot of different people, all day long. I like the medieval notion of bartering food from a stand on the street. Moreover, I would rather worry about scraping batter from the Belgian waffle-maker than try and figure out the Inbox in my office or where I put my fucking electronic key card and bathroom keys or have to clean up my desk when company comes like in second grade. Is it unwise to try and shed your salaried job during a recession? Certainly. But I can't quite stop trying to .... I only wish I knew what exactly to aim for.

Waffles.

Somalia

jacked this from my friend Ihsan. pretty amazing global perspective


"when it comes to these kind of progressive movements ... once it's black, green really doesn't matter so much anymore" Marinate.

woah. this footage was shot probably by JJ Abrams this morning on 14th street at the New School.

"we face the question whether a still higher standard of living is worth its costs in things natural, wild, and free"


-aldo leopold and dr. m

BNF

this morning i filled out a survey from Knopf about books which felt surprisingly intimate like when you are at the doctor's and they ask you to put your sex life onto xeroxed paper, but what it important is that it got me thinking about best evers, and this book:


which is possibly the most beautiful, terrifying memoir that i have ever had the privilege to experience. the movie is likewise lovely, but the book is like another universe that is really difficult to come back from. like tax season but without all of the exemptions. just for serious get a copy you'll want to live with it under your pillow.

some news

a guard at the carnegie museum of art has been ordered to pay $245,000 dollars in restitution for slashing a painting with his keys. he said he was in a bad mood and thought the painting sucked. also he is under house arrest.

also, in eighteenth-century England, a murderer could plead lunacy if the crime was committed during the full moon and get a lighter sentence - this is because people seriously go crazy during full moons. our bodies are 80% water and think about what the moon does to the tides- what?! lunacy. check.

also speaking of the moon and it's darker sides, you probably want to buy these pink floyd high tops and wear them to your office and pretend that your office is cool. it'd be a lot cooler if you did

today i was walking in the sunshine and we decided to go to this taco shop in chelsea that has amazing plates of food for $4 dollars american and when i was finished eating i turned around and 2 boys from high school were right behind me and we weren't friends in high school but when you are in a different city and see people from the past you are automatically together friends.

it's good to remember that you come from somewhere, and it's good to already be friends with someone in new york

jon moses

this is my friend jon moses
he has a harmonica and a comic strip
there are blades of grass emerging from the center of his imploding heart
but never on saturdays